Weeks after receiving the power to Rule by Decree from Venezuela's Congress, President Hugo Chavez has issued his strongest decree - permanent shotgun in every car throughout the country.
Chavez has reserved a seat in every vehicle that has a passenger seat next to the driver's seat, including trucks, planes, hovercraft, golf carts, and several industrial-sized, ride-on lawn mowers.
"Ever since I was a little boy, I have dreamed of riding shotgun," said the President in his weekly address. "Now, I can sit upfront without having to drive. Plus, I get control of the radio - no more having to listen to Enrique Iglesias!"
The measure serves to further alienate the Venezuelan people.
"It was bad enough when the army stole our guns," said Officer Julio Vivas of the Caracas Police Department. "Now my partner will have to ride in the back of the squad car with anyone we arrest."
Mirroring his low-cost heating oil program in New York, Chavez will sell the rights to shotgun at a substantial discount to those in the U.S. who cannot afford to call shotgun.
"America has failed its own people," Chavez said. "It is a shame that no American companies have taken the initiative to call shotgun for Americans."
Monday, March 19, 2007
Lottery Winner to Buy 254 Million Lottery Tickets
James Wilson, the 84-year-old St. Louis native who won the tenth biggest lottery jackpot in U.S. history, plans to use his winnings to buy 254 million lottery tickets.
"I view it as an investment," said the soon-to-be-broke Wilson. "You have to spend money to make money, and with 254 million lottery tickets I stand a damned-good chance of finally hitting the jackpot."
When asked to explain his logic, Wilson replied, "this strategy is obviously successful. And when something works, you stick with it!"
In order to prevent him from spending his winnings, Wilson's family is fighting to have him declared mentally incapacitated.
"He's a lunatic," said Julia Fenster, Wilson's granddaughter, who claims his behavior is not unusual. "He spent my dad's college fund on lottery tickets. He spent his retirement money on lottery tickets. He even hocked the espresso-maker I got him for Christmas for scratch-and-win cards. If he spends this jackpot on lottery tickets, I'll kill him. I will honest-to-God, freaking kill him."
Rather than place an injunction on Wilson from spending his winnings, the St. Louis Courthouse has placed a restraining order on Julia Fenster.
Which lottery will Wilson play next? "I've got my eye on the $175 million New Jersey Lottery jackpot," he said. "That's a lot of money!"
"I view it as an investment," said the soon-to-be-broke Wilson. "You have to spend money to make money, and with 254 million lottery tickets I stand a damned-good chance of finally hitting the jackpot."
When asked to explain his logic, Wilson replied, "this strategy is obviously successful. And when something works, you stick with it!"
In order to prevent him from spending his winnings, Wilson's family is fighting to have him declared mentally incapacitated.
"He's a lunatic," said Julia Fenster, Wilson's granddaughter, who claims his behavior is not unusual. "He spent my dad's college fund on lottery tickets. He spent his retirement money on lottery tickets. He even hocked the espresso-maker I got him for Christmas for scratch-and-win cards. If he spends this jackpot on lottery tickets, I'll kill him. I will honest-to-God, freaking kill him."
Rather than place an injunction on Wilson from spending his winnings, the St. Louis Courthouse has placed a restraining order on Julia Fenster.
Which lottery will Wilson play next? "I've got my eye on the $175 million New Jersey Lottery jackpot," he said. "That's a lot of money!"
Lost Pollock Painting Actually Painter's Tarp
A painting believed to be an unknown masterpiece by famed abstract expressionist Jackson Pollock has turned out to be a protective paint tarp, the Associated News Press has learned.
The tarp, otherwise known as a drip sheet, belongs to Ernesto Valentin, a maintenance worker repainting the walls of the new Pollock exhibit inside the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
"I came in one morning to finish the wall behind the vending area, and my sheet was gone," said the 38-year-old father of two. "And I was like, 'damn, I am gonna drip paint all over the Coke machine.'"
The case of mistaken attribution began on Wednesday, December 17. Diane Feingold, Head Curator of the Museum of Modern Art, saw the tarp as she was walking through the unfinished exhibit.
"I saw this masterpiece lying on the floor, and I panicked," she said. "I instructed security to surround the piece with safety cones and caution tape. Then, I called our chief restorationist, screaming that one of the Pollocks had fallen off of the wall."
The tarp hung in the Jackson Pollock exhibit for three weeks before its genesis was discovered. Feingold never believed Valentin's claim to the tarp until he was able to accurately describe the mass of movement and naked emotion on the bottom-left corner.
"He correctly identified the mass as cigarette burns and chewing gum," Feingold said. After the drip sheet was sent to a lab for carbon dating, it was returned to Valentin.
Although the matter has been resolved, Feingold still cannot believe she made such an error.
"It's so peculiar," she said. "I don't understand how I could have mistaken a bunch of random drips of paint for a Pollock."
The tarp, otherwise known as a drip sheet, belongs to Ernesto Valentin, a maintenance worker repainting the walls of the new Pollock exhibit inside the Museum of Modern Art in New York.
"I came in one morning to finish the wall behind the vending area, and my sheet was gone," said the 38-year-old father of two. "And I was like, 'damn, I am gonna drip paint all over the Coke machine.'"
The case of mistaken attribution began on Wednesday, December 17. Diane Feingold, Head Curator of the Museum of Modern Art, saw the tarp as she was walking through the unfinished exhibit.
"I saw this masterpiece lying on the floor, and I panicked," she said. "I instructed security to surround the piece with safety cones and caution tape. Then, I called our chief restorationist, screaming that one of the Pollocks had fallen off of the wall."
The tarp hung in the Jackson Pollock exhibit for three weeks before its genesis was discovered. Feingold never believed Valentin's claim to the tarp until he was able to accurately describe the mass of movement and naked emotion on the bottom-left corner.
"He correctly identified the mass as cigarette burns and chewing gum," Feingold said. After the drip sheet was sent to a lab for carbon dating, it was returned to Valentin.
Although the matter has been resolved, Feingold still cannot believe she made such an error.
"It's so peculiar," she said. "I don't understand how I could have mistaken a bunch of random drips of paint for a Pollock."
Letters to the Editor - March
Dear Mr. Thomas,
This is a message from Pronto Collection Agency. We have attempted to contact you for some time in regards to an outstanding balance in the amount of $15,420,012. This is a serious matter in need of your immediate attention.
If you would like to contest the amount of $15,420,012, please respond to this letter within 30 days. If you fail to respond to this message within 30 days, we will assume this balance is legitimate and proceed with claim procedures. This will include, but is not limited to, letters, phone calls, and scary, scary legal action.
We look forward to your prompt repayment of the total amount of your debt.
Sincerely,
Pronto Collection Agency
This is a message from Pronto Collection Agency. We have attempted to contact you for some time in regards to an outstanding balance in the amount of $15,420,012. This is a serious matter in need of your immediate attention.
If you would like to contest the amount of $15,420,012, please respond to this letter within 30 days. If you fail to respond to this message within 30 days, we will assume this balance is legitimate and proceed with claim procedures. This will include, but is not limited to, letters, phone calls, and scary, scary legal action.
We look forward to your prompt repayment of the total amount of your debt.
Sincerely,
Pronto Collection Agency
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